This Week in Gossip #28

Royal conspiracies, Furiosa bombs, and adults cannot be normal about child stars.

1. Kate Middleton Remains on Sick Leave Due to Cancer Treatment; The Weird Conspiracies Continue

It's been just over two months since Kate Middleton made a video announcement revealing her cancer diagnosis. After many months of speculation and wild conspiracies about her health and absence from the public eye, one was hoping that things would calm down a bit. They haven't. Honestly, I think they’ve gotten worse. Before, people could call plausible deniability. Now that we know she’s ill, the theories feel that much more eager to plunder the rabbit hole.

A Daily Beast article (disclaimer: I have freelanced for this site a few times) said that Kate might not make any public appearances for the rest of the year as she continues her treatment. Their source said, "I am told that Kate’s diary for this year is empty. There is nothing planned." The Daily Mail's royal stooge, Richard Eden, also reported last week that Kate’s friends have told him “we might not see Catherine again until the autumn—and only then if she has recovered fully.”

Last week, Tatler also revealed their latest cover, which includes a full body painted portrait of Kate by Hannah Uzor, a British-Zambian artist who had the unenviable task of painting someone who didn't sit for her and is one of the most recognizable people on the planet. Her work didn't go down well with others, who saw it as not anything like Kate. It's "a portrait of strength and dignity", according to the cover quote. Mostly, it just looked unfinished.

(Side note: I’ve seen some people claim this Tatler cover is a coded attack on Kate or way to deride her because it’s, to put it bluntly, pretty bad. I think it’s just that they hired an artist who isn’t great at portraits and didn’t want to lose money on it. Tatler may have written that one deep dive into Kate that made the then-Cambridges mad, but they’re still a posho mag that worships the royals. They’re truly not rocking the boat through iffy paintings.)

The current press narrative is that of Kate’s quiet dignity in the face of utmost pain. They’ve got a lot of column inches to fill up since half the frontline royals are either MIA or shirking duties, and the usual anti-Meghan stuff has gotten more tedious than usual (which is saying something.) After the mainstream press indulged a bit too much in the “where is Kate” theories, a lot of this current arc – very deferential, highly pro-royal, keeping its distance – feels like eating crow. Better that than risk embarrassing yourself further by speculating whether a cancer patient got a BBL or is worried about her hubby’s sidepiece.

As with the most exhausting conspiracies, nothing can truly quash the chaos, and not even a visibly shaken Kate talking about having cancer got that overheated subset to take a backseat. Twitter has been, to put it mildly, a lot. We’ve reached “Kate is actually dead” territory. You can’t reason with that. It’s not designed to be reasoned with.

It’s tough to avoid that question, right? If there had been a tad more transparency (and no weirdly photoshopped pictures), would Kate have to contend with so much tinfoil hate, QAnon-adjacent conspiracies about her health that make even the most ardent anti-monarchist queasy (it’s me, I’m that anti-monarchist.) We can all call ourselves Captain Hindsight and say how things would have been different, but I doubt we’d be entirely free of the obsessive scrutiny that has long stopped being funny. I saw one person tweeting that Kate was being kept captive because none of her neighbours had seen her jogging lately. Babe, she’s got cancer? I don’t see her being eager to exert herself for the cameras, do you?

Of course, the royals really only exist to be talked about, right? Their entire existence in the 21^st century relies on being celebrities with a sheen of tradition to their overpaid, anti-democratic names. Their inability to navigate these admittedly treacherous waters speaks to their inability to evolve with the times, and if they can’t do that, what are they good for? As I mentioned in my piece on Kate’s announcement of her diagnosis: "Many things can be true at once. Kensington Palace screwed this story up big time. A lot of people need to reconsider how willing they were to adopt wild conspiracies because the internet told them to. You can have empathy for someone while still finding the institution they signed up to an anti-democratic disgrace."

Honestly, I don’t really like writing about this. I’ve made no secret about wanting the British monarchy to be abolished, and I’ve had no desire to wade into what has essentially become a gossip b*tch-slap masquerading as political critique. I don’t think the frequently gross and sexist conspiracies surrounding not only Kate but all the Rose Hanbury stuff can be called republican sentiment or helpful justifications for a democratic shift. The whole matter has become so toxic that it seems as though acknowledging Occam’s Razor has become a fevered agenda. I was accused of being a royal shill for my article on this, which is one of the funnier insults I’ve had lobbed at me. Apparently, “it’s weird to make a cancer patient your newest chemtrails theory” is the height of royalist a*se-licking. Jeez. This is the career I have chosen for myself…

Anyway, I doubt we’ll see Kate in the flesh anytime soon. Even if she were to make a public appearance, we’re at that point in the conspiracy where people would think she’s AI or a robot. Come on, guys. If this was an elaborate cover-up, it would have been executed far less messily than this. Just abolish the monarchy already.

2. Sean Baker’s Anora Wins the Palme d’Or; a New Awards Season Begins!

(Image via Neon.)

Anora took home the Palme d’Or this past weekend at the Cannes Film Festival. American filmmaker Sean Baker’s latest comedy-drama follows a sex worker who marries the Russian son of billionaire oligarchs. It received some of the strongest reviews of the festival, which many saw as a weaker year in terms of its main competition. Once Anora premiered and earned near-universal raves, it became the safe bet for the Palme. Clearly, Jury President Greta Gerwig agreed.

Cannes, widely considered to be the most prestigious film festival on the planet, wasn’t always considered a reliable precursor for either American commercial success of Oscar glory. That’s changed a lot over the past six or so years. Parasite won in 2019 and dominated that season’s awards run (and for good reason.) Triangle of Sadness landed both Best Picture and Best Director noms, as did Anatomy of a Fall, which took home Best Original Screenplay. So, Anora is now in a good position for the Academy to take notice.

Also bolstering its chances is Neon, the indie distributor who had their name on the past five Palme winners. They're on a hot streak that puts the big studios to shame, and they're not playing it safe. Titane, the 2021 winner, was a black comedy body horror about a killer who gets impregnated by a car (I loved it, of course.) There was this sense among the Cannes critics I follow (I am too poor and unimportant for the riviera) that Baker was due a moment like this. He's been one of the most interesting indie American directors of the past decade thanks to Tangerine, The Florida Project, and Red Rocket. His focus on outsiders and marginalized communities, typically with non-professional actors in the major roles, has garnered a lot of attention. I'm a fan. I appreciate his non-judgemental gaze and willingness to depict deeply prickly figures without depriving them of his or our empathy. The Florida Project left me slack-jawed with awe when I first saw it.

At the post-win press conference, Baker repeated his support for sex workers by saying that sex work should be "decriminalized and not in any way regulated, because it’s a sex worker’s body and it’s up to them to decide how they will use it in their livelihood." I respect it. If Anora is indeed a big American player, both at the box office and with the Academy, this will be a very rare opportunity for sex workers and their narratives to get their dues without scorn or concern-trolling.

Other Cannes winners this year include Jacques Audiard's Emilia Pérez, a crime comedy musical about a cartel leader who undergoes gender reassignment surgery. It won both the Jury Prize (essentially third place) and Best Actress for Adriana Paz, Karla Sofía Gascón, Selena Gomez and Zoe Saldaña. Yes, Selena Gomez has a Best Actress win at Cannes. This also makes Karla Sofía Gascón the first trans actress to take home this prize. Netflix already picked up this movie.

I’m especially intrigued by The Substance, the body horror satire by Coralie Fargeat. The film earned a major standing ovation and got Demi Moore some of the best reviews of her career. It's apparently supremely disgusting, so I am all in! I'm also all in on a potential Demi Moore renaissance. She's also great in Feud: Capote vs. the Swans, and I think she's due her moment in the spotlight after years of being maligned by her peers.

One of the most moving moments of the festival was the arrival of Mohammad Rasoulof, an Iranian filmmaker whose latest film, The Seed of the Sacred Fig, premiered in competition. He has been arrested several times and had his passport confiscated by the Iranian government, who oppose his films and labelled them as "propaganda against the system." Only a couple of weeks ago, he was sentenced to eight years in prison as well as flogging and the confiscation of his property. He and some of his crew members managed to flee the country, a process that took about a month. On the red carpet, Rasoulof held up images of stars Soheila Golestani and Missagh Zareh, who were unable to leave Iran for the premiere and had their passports confiscated. Just a reminder for those who think film isn’t political: it 100% is.

Festival season doesn’t really kick off until late August, when the boats drive into Venice, but Cannes has become a benchmark for much of what follows. I’m a Toronto attendee (love you, TIFF!) and it’s always a highlight of the fest to see the Cannes films (although I couldn’t get into The Zone of Interest for love nor money last year.) It’s always exciting when there’s so much to look forward to. Films are great!