This Week in Gossip #38

Tinhat shippers, AI losers, Acolytes, and famous people whisky…

Yes, There Are Robert Pattinson/Suki Waterhouse Tinhatters, Because Time is a Flat Circle

Many moons ago, when the Twilight series was the biggest thing on the planet, there was this blog I used to frequent for a laugh. It was run by this older woman who was utterly convinced that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson were not only secretly married but parents of at least three kids (two of whom were nicknamed Sweetpea and Jellybean, and no, she didn’t explain how Stewart hid multiple pregnancies from the world.) She wrote these exceedingly long and angry posts about how us sheeple were blind to the obvious truth and that an evil PR group was forcing the newlyweds to hide their family from the masses. When Stewart and Pattinson broke up, that was just them doing what PR told them to. When Pattinson started dating FKA Twigs, this woman got really racist, to nobody’s surprise. The homophobia wasn’t much better when Stewart began dating women.

I have no idea what this woman is up to these days. The blog seems to have disappeared. Once I saw a bunch of tweets on my feed this past week wherein someone wrote rambling conspiratorial claims about Pattinson’s current partner, Suki Waterhouse, I wondered if she’d risen from the internet grave to continue her evil work. Alas, I think this is a different weirdo, and so the cycle continues once more.

Honestly, I’m not even surprised to see people claiming that Waterhouse isn’t really Pattinson’s partner, or that she’s somehow trapped him against his wishes and their baby daughter isn’t really his. We know this rigmarole, right? This is celebrity conspiracy nonsense 101. There’s nothing new to this conspiracy either. Oh, Suki’s a stalker, a paid client forced into dating Rob, the baby’s not his, etc. She’s so desperate despite the fact that she’s now on the Eras Tour as a support act, but also she only got that gig because of Rob. The only real “surprise” here is that these tweets don’t seem to be from Robsten shippers or something like that. They’re not furious at him for being separated from his “one true love”. They’re just mad he’s dating someone, anyone.

Usually, this would be too niche for me to do a piece on, especially since this doesn’t seem to be as dominant a tinhatter community as the Robsten weirdos were. But it felt worthy of discussion because, as with all celebrity conspiracies, it exposes how completely unwinnable the system is for everyone but especially women. Because let’s be honest here: there isn’t a single woman that these creeps would find “acceptable” for Pattinson to settle down with. They’ll whine about how they’re not sexist but engage in garden variety misogyny with their inane lists of reasons why these women are all wrong for their fantasy boyfriends. And the reasons are always really sleazy, usually decrying these famous singers or actors or whatever as glorified escorts or obsessive stalkers (projection much?) It’s easier to fit yourself into your fantasy when there isn’t a real person there being the spouse.

With Pattinson, he has the baggage of having once been the most desired man on the planet. Twi-fever was intense to the point of mania. I remember those days and how extremely vocal that fanbase was in its adoration of their sparkly Edward Cullen. He’s now better known for his weird indie work (and for also being a very good Batman) so he’s not quite as obsessed over, but some of those fans remain. His job was to be the perfect vampire boyfriend, even though he’s clearly playing Edward as a weirdo who should be avoided if at all possible (his open exhaustion with the franchise was the funniest part of his press tours.) Both he and Stewart have fascinating careers now, and that’s worth celebrating. They also survived a level of celeb scrutiny that few actors face. It’s a miracle he’s come out of Twi-fever as well-adjusted as he seems to be. Why would any of his so-called fans want to denigrate him for falling in love and becoming a father?

I’ll never understand that side of fandom that sees someone’s personal life as justifiable for conspiracies and their own pet peeves. You don’t have to be a fan of someone’s spouse but wasting all that time and energy on painting them as a cackling villain seems tiring. But of course conspiracies aren’t really meant to be fun. They’re a drain, a parasitic obsession that can be hard to escape from once you’ve tumbled head-first down the rabbit hole. One can only hope it fizzles out or they move on before someone gets hurt.

Beyoncé is Getting Into the Celebrity Booze Game

While she is the undisputed queen, Beyoncé hasn’t always been the most successful when it comes to her side-hustles. Her athleisure line Ivy Park had a lot of social media presence but didn’t seem to truly take off with customers. Cécred, her new haircare line, is doing very well. Tidal, co-founded with her husband Jay-Z, had good intentions but is still in the margins of music streaming. Her endorsement deals are more successful but I wouldn't say Queen Bey is up there with, say, Ryan Reynolds or Rihanna in terms of her business acumen. That's not a bad thing. It's just indicative of how we now expect every celeb to have a million side-hustles and act more like tech CEOs than artists.

So, it’s not necessarily a surprise to hear that she’s getting into the booze business. SirDavis is, according to Forbes, a "Japanese-style inspired whisky made in collaboration with Moët Hennessy." SirDavis is named in honor of Beyoncé’s great-grandfather, Davis Hogue, and it's also being sold as an aesthetic marvel as well as a classy alcoholic option. The bottle is very Instagram-ready, which she's already been showing off on her own social media. Also, there's a horse on it because Cowboy Carter, kids (no, we're never getting the visuals.)